Monday 15 October 2012

10 First Dates!

So you all know I'm single and while I have not seriously searched, I have kept my eyes open (shine your eyes!) and in the past I've been on some dates that were so terrible that it wasn't only the chemistry that wasn't there, the geography was off the map and the math was just not adding up (you know, 1+1 kept bringing 0!) Just from the first date, you know they wouldn't fly...
Well, I've compiled some of those dates I've been in over the years that didn't go anywhere and I'm sharing, you can laugh your head off, but by the tenth first date, you better be ready to dish as well!Lets see...
 Date #1: This happened a while back, the pre- Cynthia days when Social medias were not as dangerous as they are now...I watched this film producer/director's movie, it was quite interesting and he posed a question and encouraged comments on his webpage. So I left a comment and he replied and we started chatting from there. After months of chatting we finally exchanged numbers and I thought, not only did he sound intelligent, he had such a nice voice. so after several more months of talking on the phone, we decided to meet and since this were my pre-automobile days, we agreed to meet at the scenic park of the estate I lived then, it was public enough but also private enough for us to talk without interruption. 
It was a Saturday afternoon, he called to tell me he was at the gate of the estate, so I bummed a ride from my brother to the gate and called him.
He described his car and as I looked around the filling station by the estate gate, I could see a mechanic working under the hood of a car that matched his description, I asked if his car was being fixed and he said he was having some issues on his way,  "okay where are you?" I asked as I tried to rationalize that at least he had a car, abi? "across the road" he replied, I turned and looked across the highway, the only person I saw was a short black guy in cut-off Tees and a faded jeans, can this be the person I've been talking to? "what are you doing across the road?" I asked suspiciously, because the person I was staring at though had his back turned towards me was peeing by the roadside, "I, em, I'm easing myself" he said into the phone! yikes! I thought as I hurriedly cut the call and prayed he will not ask to shake hands, when he was finally done with his (sic) business, he jogged back across the road and I nodded at him, hands folded across my chest. We proceeded  to the park eventually but my mind wasn't in it anymore, after that date, I knew I wasn't seeing him again. Why you ask? After the Pee-fest on the road like an animal, he bought some snacks and ate it without washing his hands, enough said! Moving on!
Date #2: We were introduced by a mutual friend, he was tall, nice looking and had this really laid back attitude that was both endearing and unsettling at the same time. We arranged to go out the next day and since I was home from school(AAU, Ekpoma!yup!) we planned to meet early in the evening because I didn't know him enough to be out with him at night. I waited by my estate gate because I didn't want him to know my house and he came in an SUV, posh! I hopped in, put my seat belt on and he asked where I'd like to go, if I said to a restaurant, he will think I'm greedy, if I said to the movies we may end up spending more time than I wanted to, so I asked him to pick a place and with a smile he nodded and we were off! 
We ended up at Kuramo beach, don't quite like the beach (I know!everyone and their mothers think a romantic date is a walk by the beach but not me) it is just too sandy and wet for my liking, but I didn't want to spoil the moment so I smiled and tried to be enthusiastic.
He ordered Star and I ordered Soda, "you don't want something else?" he asked puzzled, "no, thank you!" I replied with a smile, "what about Gordon spark?" he asked again, I shook my head, "I don't take alcohol" He shook his head in disbelieve, "what of Smirnoff ice?" "um that's alcoholic too" I replied. Shrugging nonchalantly, he ordered suya (now you're talking!) and as we ate he fidgeted, "is something wrong, too spicy?" I asked pointing to the suya. He shook his head, "no, I want some rabbit" Rabbit? "I didn't know they sold rabbits here" I replied, he laughed and beckoned to one of the abokis selling sweets and cigarette on the beach. he whispered into his ears and the aboki dropped his wares and disappeared. I stopped eating, puzzled and sensing something was off. The aboki returned and palmed something to him. I saw him pay him and he brought out a small rectangular sheet of paper, my eyes almost popped out! Igbo
He rolled a Fela-worthy joint and lit up(shoo! na so I waka enter trouble?chai!) He even offered me the joint, shaking my head furiously I eased my chair back, "this is herbs, it aids digestion and doctors say it cures nausea in cancer patients" he said still holding it out, "my digestive system works fine, in fact my bowels are quite loose enough at the moment and I'm not recovering from any type cancer!" I snapped back.
 He nodded philosophically and continued smoking, no wonder he was so laid back, bros was stoned or always as high as a kite! I kept checking my wristwatch until he noticed, "you want to go? its not even 7pm yet" he complained, "ah you don't know my sister" I replied, "if I'm not home by 7pm she will lock me out" He smiled broadly, "then you can crash in my house!" I had to think fast, " I leave for school tomorrow, shey you will bucks me up?" the smile vanished and he picked up his half full glass and downed it. I sighed in relief as we headed back to the rowdy car park. 
By the time he got to my estate gate, I had promised Jehova that henceforth I will be in my best behavior, no lying, no missing Sunday service if I survive the ride back home. He drove like a bat out of hell. 
Immediately the car stopped I jumped down and waved happily to him with a smile, it was a goodbye forever smile
He called and called after that day and I never picked his calls, I think the message finally got to his drug fogged brain! Danburuba!(as my hausa peeps will say)
Date # 3 joor!: This one started out so promising,chai...
Okay I attended the End-of-the-year party of one of our Nollywood female stars, the place was packed and jumping. 
I sat primly at one corner sipping on chilled avian and watching celebrities gyrate on the dance floor, I saw him coming from the hallway, wearing a well cut tuxedo he had the bushy Ojukwu beard that looked really distinguished and artistic at the same time, I tagged him John Legend, because he sort of looked like him. He nodded to me and I nodded back as he walked by, shoo! why didn't he stop to say hello? I pondered as I took another sip of water. "what are you having?" I heard the voice from behind my left ear and choked, with burning throat and watery red eyes, I turned and saw it was my John Legend!Yay! "Water" I managed to say clearing my throat. "can I sit down?" he asked politely, o boy if you hear the phonetics eh! I nodded not trusting myself to speak, my tongue no fit stretch reach like that nah! He introduced himself (we will continue to call him John Legend) and said he was an architect and a fashion designer in New York! (for my mind I say, "Thank you Jesus!")we sha exchanged cards and at midnight like a certain fairy tale (no I didn't leave any shoe behind) as pre-arranged, my brother came to pick me up. He walked me to the car and held the door open for me and made me promise to call when I get home. 
As I dey reach house I checked my credits I only had #70.00 on my phone and it was too late to buy a recharge card so I called anyway, and as he picked I told him I was home and just as he was about to comment, the call was lost as my service provider displayed my account balance, #0.09! I hissed and dropped the phone, I was so loading up tomorrow and calling! Just as I was stepping out of the animal print dress I wore to the party, my phone started to ring, he called back!
We chatted well into the night and he promised to call the next day so we can go out, I readily agreed. And I waited, and waited and waited. 
Two weeks later I was washing my hair when the phone started to ring, I toweled my hair before reaching it, it stopped ringing. Just as I was checking the caller ID it started to ring again, John Legend! He apologized for not calling, he was down with malaria and cold, but he"s better now, sore throat gone, can we see? Yes, I answered enthusiastically  we absolutely can!He picked me up three hours later and we went to an Italian restaurant for dinner, it was super cool! 
We kept in touch and called regularly. After months of communication, several lunches(okay it wasn't just one date!) and hundreds of text messages later, we were picking baby names and planning how to visit his father in the east to be properly introduced to the family when he got a call to come back to the states. We promised to keep in touch and he left. After four emails and one phone message with no reply back, I decided to move on, it was too good to be true anyway...
It was June two months after the no-replies and I was attending an art/jewelry show in the same Italian restaurant we had gone on our first date (see why it features?) I was with two of my elder sisters and my nephew was our designated driver. We got to the venue  hours after the opening time and I was told to find out if the event was still holding. Pushing the large wooden door open, I headed upstairs and discovered the place was still bustling with Art and Fashion people alike. I was just about to turn and head back out to get my sisters when I saw the outline of the beard, John Legend! With racing heart and sweaty palms I hedged closer until I could see without being seen, it was him!
 I scurried downstairs and practically ran for the car, when I got in I told them the show was still on but I had no interest in going in anymore. My sisters knew me enough to know something was up, when I told them I saw John Legend they walked me back to the restaurant because they thought I should confront him, not my style. By the time we got back, he was in the presence of another lady, who seemed glued to his right arm. I approached him and he just went, "Hi Hellene!" as if we were just friends. I couldn't wait to leave the place, he eventually called to apologize(plenty talk talk!)  he isn't ready for a serious relationship, he can't do long distance relationship, hes a New Yorker...on and on, na so we see am for my American Dream, moving on!
Date #4: I took myself out for a movie(and that the only reason why this one featured!), and while I waited for my movie to start I walked around, window shopping. The guy was standing by a Toy Watch shop as I passed he straightened up and said hello. 
Since it will be rude and childish not to say hi back I said hello! (the whole sentence was said in heavy Yoruba accent, apologies my Yoruba peeps!) "My name is Wasiu, I(came out as Hii) lives at VI (coming out as Fii I!) "Good for you!" I replied as I threw myself into the elevator and vanished out of that place before you could say, 'Lapuchinetta!'
To be Continued....

8 comments:

  1. LMFAO!!! Pls write a book! this is so interesting!!!

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  2. lol!!I probably will!thank you!

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  3. Heheheheheh...Can't stop laffing...Crazy guys out there ooooo....

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  4. Wooh...,thank God you have the part two on,
    i for so disturb you


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  5. just read this and can't stop laighing........and on that day when you dey 'komole' and shaking your skinny tush, some sisters will be using you as 'point of contact'.....them fit go through all these? 'kpele'

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  6. lol!abi? shows we should be careful of those we use as 'point of contact' lol! Im glad you enjoyed it, thats the whole point. :)

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